DO I have to say the words??

This blog is dedicated to my hubby who is just a very affable person.  I mean, I just can’t stay grumpy around him for long (and believe me, I do grumpy very well). He knows all my secret fears and apprehensions, my desires and fantasies and 9 out of 10 times, his only concern is my happiness.

He is my best friend , but simply because of the fact that I am a woman and he is a man, he sometimes fails to understand the workings of my mind. I shouldn’t really blame him for this, but I do, most of the time. He being him remains cool as a cucumber and lets me vent out the grievance, let’s me rant everything out and get it out of my system. Often I give him the silent treatment, through which he patiently waits, anticipating my tantrum which invariably follows. Eventually he holds me and consoles me with the very clichéd ‘everything I do, I do it for you’ line. And no matter whatever the disconcert was about, I relent (being the typical romantic sucker of these clichéd lines).

But every now and then he snaps - big time, letting me know that I’ve reached my limit and his too. So then I go about resetting all the tempers to zero and beg for his forgiveness (because by now all those times where I have been unreasonable and he has been compliant, comes to my mind like the flashback of an old movie) .Then I coax him with his favorite food and some good old TLC and BOOM - we are ready to roll again.  I wonder if this is a dance, as old as time itself and if it is played out in other households/relationships, with some variations, maybe and maybe even some role reversals.

Bryan Adams said it right:

Oh - once in your life you find someone
who will turn your world around
Bring you up when you're feelin' down

Ya - nothin' could change what you mean to me
Oh there's lots that I could say
But just hold me now
Cause our love will light the way
Baby you're all that I want
When you're lyin' here in my arms
I'm findin' it hard to believe
We're in heaven.
And love is all that I need
And I found it there in your heart
It isn't too hard to see
We're in heaven
Ranj, no matter how much grumble and annoy you, remember this always, YOU are my heaven.

Say a prayer for me tonight, they might not be heard tomorrow.

Make your wishes now; they might not be fulfilled morrow

Do your penance now, later there might only be time for sorrow.

Love me forever, but love me today, tomorrow is not ours to borrow.

Mummy and Me

They say that every man is still a child at heart and that the wives should cater to the needs of this inner child as much as she does to the man who is her husband. But what they don’t say usually is that the women too have a heart which craves to be a child again, to be cared for as though she was the only reason for somebody’s existence. She needs somebody who would get her a hot cup of tea to chase away her blues/cold or whatever it is that is troubling her. Just a gesture, to show that she is not alone.

When we were younger, every time we got a cold, Mom would warm us up with turmeric milk, hot mustard oil massage and a soothing head rub and Papa would go all out to buy a bottle or brandy (or was it rum?), mix it some warm water and ask us to gulp it down. I’m not sure what worked best, the alcohol or the head rub, but I’m sure I wasn’t as miserable as I feel now.

I got a cold last Saturday and immediately wanted to see my Mamma. As though just being with her would make me feel better. I miss her always, but most when I am down with an ailment or a heartache. I crave for her chukku-kappi (medicinal coffee), her tomato soup and her healing touch which is just so unique of my Mom. It has been three days since my cold started. Even though I’m popping pills left right and centre and drinking the customary chukka kappi, the gloomy feeling and the pounding headache just doesn’t go away. Hubby darling suggested I take the rum/brandy thingy but didn’t actually make it for me and I am too despondent at the moment to do it myself.

There was a time when I was working and living alone in BBSR and got Jaundice. I went to the doc and the tests on my own and got through a week before I felt it was too much to handle on my own. So I took the train back to Kolkata and remember sleeping through the entire 12 hour journey not even waking up to go to the loo. When Papa came to the station, he had to drag me out from my berth and take me home. His ashen face and my Mom’s fear showed me just how sick I was. The local Doc criticized them for letting me travel alone, but what he didn’t know and they didn’t know was that I was capable of doing everything on my own until I knew I had their backup. I had managed to stay up and about until the day I reached them and handed over myself to their care and support. But I felt better than what I did when I was alone, even though I was probably sicker.

Even now I call Mom and ask her to pray and send me reiki, for something as simple as Ryan’s PTM. Just knowing that she is aware of my situation, whatever it may be, and is praying for me and sending me positive energy is enough to get me through it.

Now I see Ryan following in my steps. He thinks I am around just to cater to his needs. According to him, Mom can kiss his boo-boo away and any pain/scratch/hurt can be cured, if I put some ice/cream and massage it for him. He embraces me, even if it was I who hurt him in the first place. I wish I could be there for him forever and that I could kiss his boo-boo and his hurt away whenever he needs me .But more than that I wish he would become like me, able to cope and stand proud through all his hurts and heartaches, even when I am not around to hold him and soothe him. He would know, just like I do in my heart, that Mom is always praying for me that no matter how bad things look like, there will always be a happy ending.

Mom you are the oasis of my life and my world expands a bit every day Ryan, with the baby steps you take.

Forever and more

 This is not a work of fiction and any resemblance to anybody's life is purely intentional !

Forever and More

I want to fall in love again. Just to feel my heart flutter again, which has fallen into a rhythm, as monotonous as the ticking of the clock. To feel the rush of emotions, that erupted every time your eyes seeked me out rather than being vexed about ‘what now’ when you call out for me. To feel the coyness of being a new bride rather than the bashfulness that comes with too much familiarity. To rediscover everything that excited you and everything about you that excited me, rather than just being hopeful of your approving nod. To try and make everything perfect for us instead of trying to find what the optimum compromise would be that we would both agree. To walk hand in hand instead of worrying about who has the bunch of keys. To stroll in the park, looking at nothing yet admiring everything. To wake with a smile instead of the ‘already X AM’ frown .To able to laugh wholeheartedly at the most outrageous jokes instead of mentally running it through the PG certification guidelines first. To be up and about in spite of an exhausting day, just because we decided to, instead of finding reasons to be grounded until the next sun up. To feel beautiful and desired instead of only thinking ‘do I look fat in this dress”? To recreate the magic that once filled our lives and completed us. I want to fall in love again with you, to prove to myself that love is not over rated.




I want to fall in love again, forever and more…

Conversation with my 3 year old

They say that being a parent is a tough job. The first 5 years we try to teach the kid to walk and talk and the next 5 years to shut up and sit down.

I am now in the teaching to talk phase. The typical conversation with my toddler on a normal day goes like this.

7.30 AM Ryan is up before me and R.

Ryan –“Wakie wakie Mama…sun is high up in the sky.

Me- “Sleep for 5 minutes more Ryan. Mamma is still tired”.

Ryan- “Mamma gimme milk. I like milk Mamma.

8.15 AM

Milk and Coffee in the balcony overlooking a mountain.

Ryan-“Thanks Mamma. It’s very tasty”.

Ryan-“Mamma, can we go all over the mountain.”

Me –“Yes Ryan”

Ryan-“Now?”

Me –“No Ryan. We’ll go on Friday, when Papa is home. We’ll go in Papa’s car.

Ryan-“But where we’ll park Mamma?"

Me (ROFL)-“There’s a temple there with a parking lot. We can park there. OK?

9.15 AM I’m getting dressed to go to my Yoga class and convincing Ryan to be at home.

Me-“Ryan, Mamma has to go to yoga class ok...I’ll put cartoon for you. You can sit and watch it and have your food ok?

Ryan-“Don’t go Mamma… Please (with folded hands and puppy face).I like you. I want to be with you Mamma.”

Me-“I love you too baby. I’ll be back in an hour, ok? Don’t cry and eat your food ok baby”

10.40 AM I’m back from the yoga class. Ryan opens the door

Ryan-“Mamma… this baby didn’t cry…”

Me-“Good boy Ryan." I love you baby .You want to help Mamma water the plants?”

Ryan-“Yes Mamma. Plants are all shad (sad).I put water and they become happy. No Mamma?”

11 AM

Me-“Ryan, come Mamma will give you a bath”

Ryan- “Where this baby going?”(He takes a shower before school/summer camp. Hence presumes that I’m sending him somewhere after the shower.)

Me-“Nowhere Ryan." We’ll just be at home ok? No school today.”

Ryan-“Yeaaa…”

1 PM

Me-“Ryan come eat your food “

Ryan- “Yuck, what is theees (as pronounced by Ryan)?”

Me- “Its chicken Ryan." (Ryan’s staple lunch is ghee and rice… no veggies/meat. I know it’s not enough, but something is better than nothing)

Ryan –“But whaaayyyy?”

Me –“So that you become strong boy like Papa” (I’m hoping, not as big as him though ;-))

Ryan-“But I don’t like chicken Mamma”.

Me – “OK Ryan." Mamma will give you only Rice and ghee ok?”

Grumpy Ryan –“OKAY”.

And then I proceed to shred the chicken into the tiniest, unrecognizable pieces and feed it to him any way. A mother has got to do what she’s got to do.

Ryan-“I want water Mamma. Didi (to the maid), Mujhe Water chahiye. (He knows Mamma’s too lazy to get up once she sits).

3 PM .Ryan with a can of nuts in hand.

Ryan-“Didi, yeh open karo Na. Thanks”

After finishing the whole lot.

Ryan-“Mamma. I is strong boy Mamma. I finish all nuts. That’s why I is strong and big boy.”

Me-“Very good Ryan." Mamma’s proud of you, strong boy.” A kiss and hug.

Ryan-“Mamma, don’t hug me ok? "Cos is I is big boy now.”

Me-“Ok big boy”

4.30 PM

On the way to swimming classes.

Ryan-“Mamma, can you hug me (i.e. carry me to the pool)? I’m too tired Mamma”.

Me- “No Ryan. You are a big boy na? You have to walk to the pool.”

Any kid or dog he meets on the way to the pool is his friend.

Ryan-“Where my friend goving Mamma?”

Me-“He is going for his cricket/soccer/tennis classes Ryan.

Ryan-“I want to go also”

Me-“Mamma will send you when you a big boy ok? And we’ll buy a new bat/ball for you ok? “

Ryan-“But I already have it Mamma. (Referring to his plastic bat and rubber ball).

Me-“Ok Ryan." We are at the pool now. You have to wear your goggles all the time ok? Otherwise Mamma will take you out of the pool.

Ryan (Grumpus) –“Okay!”

In the pool

Me-“Ryan, where are your goggles? I want you to wear them now.

Ryan –“When Sir will come, I’ll wear it ok? Ok Mamma?

Me (rolling eyes and murmuring)-“(Whatever) Ok Ryan”

6.30 PM

Me-“Ryan, come out of the pool now. Let’s go home now.”

Ryan-“But my friends are still playing Mamma. Sir said, class not over.”

He’s the instructor’s pet so gets to go on the last solo lap with him. I’m fuming by now.

Me-“Ryan, if you don’t get out of the pool now, I’m leaving. Ok?

Ryan (squeaking) - “I’m coming Mamma”.

On the way back home

Me-“Ryan, please don’t pluck the flowers. It’s not a good habit.”

Ryan-“But, it’s very bootiful Mamma. I want to give it to Amachi (Grandma), that’s why I plucking it.”

Me-“Ok Ryan, just one, ok.”

Ryan-“Mamma. Can you hug me...please? I is very tired.”

ok. Ready get set go……”

Somehow we make it to the top and to home.

Ryan constipating...

Ryan-“Mamma, it’s not coming.”

Me-“Press your tummy in Baby. ‘IT’ will come.

Ryan- “Mamma, I too not well Mamma. I want to go to the Dotor”.

Me- “Ok, First finish your potty, and then we can go ok?”

Ryan (Grumpus)-“Ok .”

Dinner time

Me-“Ryan, come and eat your food baba.”

Ryan-“Baba Mamma, I want jam.aa aa.”

Me-“No Ryan, I’ll give it to you with chapatti ok baby?

Ryan-“Then this baby will become shad. This baby will go away? (Standing at the main door and threatening to walk out of the house!).I won’t ever ever anymore with you, gain, Mamma.”(I.e. I won’t talk with you anymore, ever again!)

Me-“Ok ok, come I’ll give it to you. Come.”

Ryan-“See Mamma, its night time .where’s my Papa?”

Me-“Papa is in the office no baba. He’ll come now ok.”

Ryan-“But why Papa go so much to office Mamma?”

Me-“To make money Ryan, so that we can buy your toys and chocolates.”

Ryan-“Okay !!”

8.30 PM R is home (Finally!!)

Ryan-“Papa, I bought some surprise for you!”

R- “Really? What is it Ryan?”

Picks up his biscuit packet form the kitchen.

Ryan-“This is your surprise Papa. Eat it. You can do it Papa. Mamma, I share some my biket with Papa. I is good boy.”

Me-“Yes baby. You are my darling .I love you baby.”

Ryan (happy face)- “Okay !”

Hence winds a happy, normal day in our lives.

This is just a sample .I wish I could record every second of his growing up years and cuddle him twice for every silly thing, because like he said himself, once he is a big boy, he won’t let me hug him anymore.

Yeh Zindagi hai kya?

Yeh zindagi kya hai?

Kisi ki dua hai,kisi ki saza

Kisi ki hansi hai,kisi ke aansu

Kisi ki khudgarzi hai,kisi ka baddappan

Kisi ki mohabbat hai,kisi ki chahat

Kisi ki aasha hai,kisi ka junoon

Kisi ka itihas hai,kisi ka anubhav

Kisi ka hadsa hai,kisi ka sanjog

kisi ki kamiyabi hai,kisi ki koshish

Kisi ki umeed hai,kisi ki khwaish

Kisi ke sapne hai,kisi ka sankalp

Turning 30

Yep I am turning thirty this year. Although most people might argue that it’s just a number and doesn’t really mean anything. I beg to differ. Just like after nineteen, nobody called me a teenager, exactly in the same way, after thirty, nobody is going to call me a young woman. I’ll be called middle aged. If I happen to have good skin and figure and hair, people might call me a ‘well maintained’ middle aged woman, or might say that I don’t look my age, but, obviously, there is no beating it.

Probably it’s just an Indian feature, where we have five year strategies from the time we are born.

Age 5- Grade 1

Age 10- Preparing for Puberty

Age 15 -Preparing for the crucial 10^th Board

Age 20 –Preparing to finish under grad and either start working or GMAT/CAT etc etc

Age 25- Good job, married (for women), bikes/cars (for men) (I am not sure who the pun is on here)

Age 30- Trotting 2 kids (for women), Married (for men). Again, no pun intended

So on and so forth…

 I definitely had a checklist for when I turned thirty.

Ø  Married

Ø  2 Kids

Ø  Good Job (well paying, well appreciated and mid management)

Ø  Great figure (like Mom’s …she is 48 kgs since I remember)

Ø  Own House

Ø  Own Car

Ø  Holidays in good locations

These were the main ones, apart from other less significant ones.

 So how does the report card look, with less than 6 months to the D Day?

Ø  Married –A++ (Happily)

Ø  2 Kids –A+ (One son, who has the energy of three)

Ø  Good Job (& Blah Blah) -A+ (Quit just before I got there -or so I’d like to believe)

Ø  Great Figure -F (as in fail, not the ‘F’ word although that too applies because of the frustration)

Ø  Own House – NA (Waiting –ahem- for inheritance. Hope the parents are not listening)

Ø  Own Car- A++ (Thank banks for Auto Loans)

Ø  Holidays- A++ (in Forren Locations included)

So I set about rectifying all the ones that are not A++.Starting with the second child part. That’s when the gynae came in and advised that I should lose weight before I conceive again, to avoid any complications.

Jump to the ‘great figure’ point and I am thinking, if I do lose all that weight, I don’t want to gets preggers so soon, just to gain all of it again.

Anyways, I have started yoga and gyming and dieting -err not really, let’s just say I have reduced my portions. So hopefully I will reduce to a more regular size by October .In between I’ve got a tattoo and a nose pin, just to appease my wild side .And I did it now before I feel I’m too old for it. I know it’s all in my head, but this head is on my shoulders after all. I have to hear it out.

About the good job part, here’s what I realized. If you are a fresher, there are lots of jobs, if you are a well experienced person, there are lots of jobs. But if you want to dig into the mid-management level, there are lots of candidates. So I have decided to wait it out and maybe get a Masters in something before I join the rat race again.

In the meantime, I am spending quality time with Ryan, planning another baby, working out to get back into my pre-pregnancy clothes (which I have been saving for the last 4 years).And I am also planning my next vacation and R has just promised me Italy. So I am going to turn thirty is style.

And I have found a couple of good stores that sell beautiful plus size clothes, you know, just in case ;-)