Mysteries of my confused mind

Somebody recently  pointed out that I was frustrated .Believe me, I knew that statement to be a fact of my life, but when an unknown person pointed it out, it got me thinking, a little more than I was already, about my state.

Why am I frustrated? I mean, I have it all –an amorous family, a loving, faithful and supportive husband who is also(touchwood) doing very well ,( get the drift?) , an adorable son who keeps me on my toes, a maid who does the dishes and the dusting, decent education  ( I mean my parents would probably  have sent me to the moon to study, if I was so inclined ,but they settled for engineering since I was not into astronomy) and  until a couple of months, a very well paying job ,which I quit on my own terms and whole heartedly to move to my home country to be close to the afore mentioned family, to live with my well-to-do, lovey-dovey hubby and bouncy  baby  in a luxurious apartment, maintained by the afore said  maid ,in a beautiful city in India.

So why am I frustrated?  At the risk of calling myself a hypocrite, I’ll tell u this. I am confused, about most things in my humble life. When I got married, gratefully I was not confused...I was somehow sure that this is what I wanted and this is the guy with whom I wanted to spend the rest of my life...But then the confusions began….I was working for a reputed company at that point from which I promptly resigned, because hey, I was getting married and obviously I wanted to be where my hubby was..But when my father heard of this, he was upset, am not sure why, but it sure got me thinking if I did make a mistake of quitting so fast from a great job with a great future. That’s where the confusion began, but the deed was done, so off I went to live with my ‘new family’. It took me almost six months to get a job there and it was  sales job…now I want to make something very clear…I cannot sell the benefits of veggies to my 3 year old son, so how the heck was I supposed to sell the god forbidden products? Grrr.

Anyways, meanwhile I and hubby decided we wanted a baby .Yes, within three months of getting married. It was hilarious because I’d actually bought a year’s contraception supply even before the wedding. When I did get pregnant, it was during the time when I’d been to an interview which was for a job of my liking even though I had no hands on in the specific sector. The job confirmation and the pregnancy confirmation happened almost at the same time. So here I was confused again...is it a good time to be pregnant &/or to start a new job? The new boss of course was very supportive notwithstanding an ‘Oh Shit’ when she heard the preggers news. But she made me promise that I wouldn’t take a single day more than the allotted 45 days of maternity leave (You read right, there are places in the world where the mother is given 45 calendar days as maternity leave).I of course swore that I wouldn’t take a day more and I didn’t . But then I was already bored out of my mind resting at home, doing nothing productive apart from filling and emptying a certain little one’s tummy. So I was glad to go back to work…but then, in a week’s time the guilt started…I was leaving my month old baby at the mercy of a nanny and formula milk. How heartless was I? Jobless cousins with grown children had to point out that my son would never be close to me because I didn’t feed him enough (if you know what I mean).I consoled myself that I’m ensuring a better lifestyle and education for him .But the thought stuck at the back of my mind like a fish bone.

The years went by with recurrent feeling of guilt taken over by a sense of non-achievement (am not even sure if it’s a proper word, but I don’t want to call myself a loser because IAM NOT) both as a mom and as a career woman. There were days when I felt, what the heck am I doing still stuck at this job at lower management level while my mates from school and college are now Senior This and Manager That etc…The confusion got worse while hubby darling was touring the globe in his fabulous  job. So it was during one such tour that he calls me up asks “Babe, do you want to move back to India?” I jumped up at the opportunity and started preparing to move. I promptly informed my boss about my impending move, who promptly assumed that I was just throwing tantrums to bag a promotion/hike (rolling eyes here) .Finally I put in my papers with a month’s notice and bam -I become one of the most important resources of the unit .’ Business Critical’ –they called me. The top-guy gave me a pep talk about how well I have come up from being a novice to the industry to what I was on today and that if I’d been joining another organization in the same city he would never have let me go. So the new confusion began, was I a fool to be throwing it all away? Will I get a job that pays me so well and where I was ‘business critical’ to the organization? But it was too late even though my constant bickering did lead my hubby darling to almost withdraw the transfer papers. But I felt bad for putting him through the sting, so I stuck to the plan, quit and moved.

Three months down the line-no job yet, hubby touring, son at school, maid in the kitchen of the luxury apartment (because my hubby feels that since I gave up so much, I should live like a princess. Isn’t he the most adorable?)

Parents want me to start working again soon, in-laws want me to have another baby, hubby wants me to just stay occupied and be happy and ‘I’ don’t know what I want. Because I’m confused again and also frustrated, in spite of having the best of everything, here I am whining away to anyone who cares to listen. In between my son has become so attached to me that he wouldn’t even go to the loo without me. The other day, I told him that I had to go back to work (so I could buy toys for him). He promptly brought his piggy bank and said,” Mamma, I have money, I give you, ok?” .Now at least that’s heartening ;-).